Defeated…

So remember how I’ve been talking about the Heaven & Hell Relay??

And how terrified I was of getting lost along the trail?

well, I convinced 2 of my relay team members (and my mama-cita) to do a practice run on Tuesday after work.

They decided to take me on leg 11 because it was “easier” than leg 2.

I was originally signed up for leg 3, but that leg is BURIED under snow and because I don’t own any snow gear (like crampons or trekking poles) I got switched to leg 2.

(FYI leg 2 & 11 are the same, since it’s an out and back course)

We met up in Midway and followed my team members up the mountain. I was freaking out a bit because we were going SO far up the mountain on roads that seemed more appropriate for a 4-wheeler than my Mom’s Tahoe. After driving for 45 minutes… we parked our car and hopped into my team member’s truck and drove EVEN further up the mountain.

(to give you a timeline… we left work at 4:45pm and didn’t start running until 6:45pm)

I honestly thought I could run the 10.9 in about 2.5 hours (equivalent to 13:45 pace).

UMMM… I was wrong. so VERY, VERY, VERY wrong.

Let me start by saying that this area is BEAUTIFUL. It’s absolutely gorgeous.

 momma, me and Joy

gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.

however,

this was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I went in to this thinking that I wouldn’t have a problem with the mileage (10.9 miles), knew the elevation climbs would certainly slow me down, but that I could finish the leg.

I felt like all we did was climb, and climb, and climb.

and this was supposed to be the “easier” way?!

there were a few parts of the trail that were covered in snow and had to dig in with our shoes to cross.

(fyi: running shoes and trail shoes are different for a reason…)

I slid and lost my footing (many times) and if Joy hadn’t been there to stop me… who knows how far I would’ve slid!

(and thank God I didn’t knock Joy down! she’s just a tiny thing!)

and then, once I was out of the snow and feel “safe” again, I’d slip on the mud and fall to my hands and knees.

On one section of the trail, appropriately named “The Plunge”, was more like a gulley because of the moisture running down the middle of the trail, it was like running with your ankles inverted. I can’t even remember how many times I fell along this part of the trail. oh… yeah. Ever heard of stinging nettle? Yeah… it stings. Ask my Mom. She found out which plant it was by accident. more than once.

Watching my garmin was depressing. I thought it was losing signal, “there’s no way we’re going this slow”.

wrong again, Ash. Wrong. Again.

And then it started to get dark… and I was getting a little worried. The crazy thing about being up in the mountains is that it’s SO quiet. So when you hear a noise… it’s a little scary. Like when I heard some freaking “wuf-wuf-wuf-wuf” sound. (and not like a dog barking “wuff”) I thought FOR SURE it was a bear. I looked back at Joy and she had this wide-eyed look and I FREAKED OUT. Tried to run… got about 3 steps and started to panic. DAMN elevation and lack of oxygen.

I’ve never had a panic attack… but I came DAMN close. My heart was RACING. I swear it took me a half hour to just get my breathing regulated again. at this point it was dark. like had to get out the head lamp dark. We ended up taking a short cut off the trail to get back to Pole Line Pass to get to our car. Since one of my team members (the Dr I work for) is part mountain goat, he was able to get back to his truck and meet us as we got off the trail.

I was SO relieved to see his truck. We ended up running (well… more like crawling) 9 miles in about 3 hours. I was so exhausted. I felt like such a loser for not living up to my expectations. I knew it was going to be hard. But I had no idea just how tough it would be. It was at this point I was thinking I had made a wrong decision to ru
n this race. No longer was I just questioning whether or not I would get lost… but whether or not I could ACTUALLY complete the run.

It was a long ride off the mountain. then back into provo. My mom and I chatted about whether or not it was a good decision for me to run the race. We talked about the possibility of injury, safety along the course, and just how freaking hard it was. I didn’t even get home until midnight.

 muddy, filthy mess!

 dirty, dirty socks!!

ugh… so muddy and dirty.

see the scratch on my shin… I know it looks small.

but it’s progressively gotten more sore today.

running into tree limbs with your legs… hurts.

scraping your leg across a broken tree limb hurts like a motha…

I know they look minor… but I’m being a Waa-Waa cry baby…

it’s my blog and I’ll cry if I want too

I hopped right into the shower and scrubbed the dirt of my legs and arms and from under my toe nails and finger nails.

so gross. Crawled into bed around 12:45am and zonked out.

Woke up the next morning… and surprisingly wasn’t too sore. My mom called me when I was on my way to the gym and convinced me to go run with her. She said, “I just want to make sure my ankles still work”. LOL. She said she only wanted to go 3 or 4… Yeah… we went 6. Six slow and steady miles. Talked about the trail race a ton. I was getting kind of worked up because I knew I didn’t want to run it. We get home and I get ready to leave and look in the mirror. WTF?!!!

 I freaking broke out in HIVES all around my eyes and on my neck. I started to ITCH everywhere.

I’ve never broken out in hives like this. I thought it was a delayed reaction from the trail run and I had come across something I was allergic too.

Wrong again…

I was stressed out about the race and having to tell my Dr that I didn’t want to run…

So… to get to the point of this post…

I’m not running the Heaven & Hell Relay.

I backed out.

I’m quitting.

and it makes me feel like such a punk.

I told A LOT of people that I was running this race.

I told a ton of patients at my office that I was running this race.

I get to explain to everyone now that I couldn’t do it.

I didn’t do it.

AHH! I hate quitting. I’m NOT a quitter.

I hate it. I hate that I’m not strong enough to do it.

It makes me feel bad that I backed out 48 hours prior to the race.

Luckily my team was able to find a sub to take my legs.

I knew I wouldn’t be able to run my legs in the time that we needed to be able to finish within the time allotment. (142.5 miles in 36 hours). I would have probably taken 4 hours for each leg. And because this is the first year the race is happening, only 5 teams signed up. So there’s a good chance my team will do really well (because they are all experienced, fast, trail runners).

And because there are only 5 teams, there’s a good chance I wouldn’t have even seen another runner while running my legs. The more I thought about… the more I freaked out. It was scary enough being there with my Mom and Joy. I can’t imagine being alone on the trails with the “wuf-wuf” noises.

and my last excuse… I don’t want to get injured.

My biggest goal this year is to run a sub 4:00 marathon. St. George marathon is in 11 weeks. If I broke my ankle, or strained/sprained something and couldn’t run or train… it would kill me.

so I’m not running this race.

I’m a quitter.

and I feel really shitty about it.

and I’m still freaking exhausted from the 9 mile “run”.

I feel defeated.